❝did I not love you enough?❞
→ byun baekhyun/kim junmyeon
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summary: it all started on stage, then behind the curtains, then under the sheets.
a/n: 3k+ words for you because you’ve waited so long for this, i love you. as usual, 125 notes for update.
Like the rain on your window, your tears slipped down your cheeks. Eyes still red and cheeks still swollen like they were two weeks ago. Two weeks ago when the same routine had happened. What a surprise, he had a broken your heart again, you thought to yourself.
Not a single day has gone by that you haven’t cried, haven’t pitied yourself, haven’t longed for him. But it was the same as always, and you were starting to think that you deserved way more than his lustful kisses and provoking words, more than his broken promises and heartbreaking actions.
Then there were no more tears running down your cheeks. There no longer was a red tint around your eyes and nose, no more swollen cheeks stained with your tears. You’ve realized that you deserved more than Byun Baekhyun. You deserved better, and you moved on.
If you were to say that the weather outside was beautiful, you wouldn’t necessarily be lying. Well, at least not for you, it wasn’t.
What seemed like a dark sky to most was of an aphotic gray color. A few raindrops stuck to your window, ever so slowly sliding down the glass.
For once, in two months, your heart was at peace. It had healed, and it had forgotten. It had moved on.
It has also decided to forget his name, unable to recall what had gone wrong in that part of your life where he had appeared and caused chaos. It had truly forgotten, it could no longer recall.
There was nothing special about today except the fact your heart was beating slowly and quietly against your skin.
It was new, it was calm, it was nice to be able to live once more, to be able to open your eyes and not cry, to be able to walk with your head held high.
So when you’ve decided that the gloomy day was the perfect timing to walk around, you didn’t mind. Not when the weather was perfectly in between cool and warm. Not when the streets were empty, and the only noise that echoed through the open space was the distant vrooming of engines of a few cars passing by, hoping to get home before the brewing storm caught up with them.
A light from the side caught your eye. A small sign indicating that the small building right below it was a cafe. You didn’t mind as you walked towards it. Its almost empty space and cozy temperature invited you over, allowing you to relax for some time despite how cliche it was.
As you sat down at a comfortable seat near the wide glass windows that served as a wall for the cafe, you couldn’t help, but sigh at the sight of the pale grays and dark blues of the sky.
The sky was beautiful. Its dull and somber complexion made you feel calm. It made you feel your chest rise and fall at a slow and steady pace. Your heart was at peace, you were at peace.
Your thoughts were washed away by the rain, and so was your consciousness. You have come to a point where you were no longer thinking, only gazing out to the street, watching as puddles formed on the asphalt road.
And you continued on, staring at the oblivion.
The muffled chats of other customers went in and out your ears, serving as music you couldn’t understand. Same goes for the bell on top of the entrance that rang, signaling that another person found comfort in this homely place. You allowed your every senses dull and sleep as you continued to stay oblivious to the world until an all too familiar name was muttered.
“Baekhyun, I’ve missed you so much!”
Your eyes were wondering around for a few seconds when it landed on her. The all too familiar slim yet curvaceous figure of Nana was a few tables away, far enough to not notice the other if one’s mind was far too muddled with other lost thoughts, too ignorant to notice that beautiful man with his messy bed hair seeming to be styled and his comfortable yet attractive clothes, hands moving to comb back his hair as he greeted the woman back.
It came like a tidal wave, a great tsunami as those feelings of pain washed over you, drowned you. Watching them broke your ‘healed’ heart, you. It’s crushing and so utterly painful. You couldn’t describe it at all, couldn’t express all that pain that returned and added. It all started with a single tear streaking down your cheek to show your heartbreak.
Few words were exchanged, but you could tell even from this distance, from their expressions, how important their discussion was. His eyebrows were furrowed, hand gestures quickening as he tried to get a point across, but Nana remained arrogant, arms crossed against her chest as she shook her head, disagreeing with the elegant man.
Somehow, the scene sparked some sort of hope in your chest, in your heart, lifting the heavy weight from your shoulders. Your breathing has slowed down, calm and slow and reassuring. You clasped your hands together before you, trying your best not to watch them argue, distracting yourself with the fast current of rainwater drained down the holes of the sewer. The quick, relentless storm continued on, thundering upon the earth its anger in forms of ghastly lightening and hard rain.
Ironically, the stormy day was becoming frightening, but nothing could beat the sort of lonely fear that arose from the back of your neck as you caught their reflection on the window, droplets falling through their figures, distorting their images for split seconds, never enough to keep you unaware of what was happening.
For some reason, for a very odd reason, you questioned yourself, wondering if you were seeing it right. On the window, you could see their bodies leaned near each other’s, lips locked in a kiss, paralyzing the both of them as the monument grew longer.
Turning your head towards their direction, the heart pangs were coming back once again. Each time your heart settled for a beat, the more the pain grew as you continued to watch, to remain silent, to slowly break inside as you registered what was happening, taking each small detail into consideration, burning this scene into your memory.
An instinct took over in you. You stood up as quickly as your reflexes could make you, moving you up and away from the painful sight. With your back turned against them, you hugged your arms around your front, feeling the tightness of your grip on your arms.
The thin jacket you wore might not do much to shelter you from the storm outside, but it may have been enough to keep you safe from the one inside. Hurriedly walking towards the exit, you took a deep breath.
In. And out.
Somehow, you’ve built up an explainable courage to look back right before you push the glass door open. Slowly, ever so slowly, your hand resting on the cold foggy glass door as you turned around, wondering what sight your eyes would encounter.
Before your very own eyes was the sight of Baekhyun carefully staring into Nana’s eyes, his deep brown eyes searching something deep within the woman’s heated gaze.
It took two full moments till you’ve been shattered even more. It’s the sight of Nana’s hand on Baekhyun’s cheek, the other hand on his thigh as she pushed herself forward into Baekhyun, placing her lips tenderly on his.
And Baekhyun… remained silently, calm, unmoving as her lips moved against his. His face was stoic, eyes closed. His hands remained where they were, not moving to stop Nana from her actions.
And just like that, you’ve rediscovered another definition of pain in your vocabulary. Your mind returned to your body, remembering the cool feeling of the glass door beneath your hand, beckoning you to push it, to run away, to escape this same horrible nightmare that seems to plague you no matter what you do, no matter how far you run, no matter how many times you’ve given up.
There’s a second voice in your head though, calling you to turn your back on the exit and walk straight to Baekhyun and tell him you’re done. Your conscience wrestled with itself, wondering which calling you should act upon.
But your heart already knew its decision. It was already all too familiar of what Baekhyun could do, what it would feel like to walk over to him and watch him kiss someone else that wasn’t you. It knew it wanted no more with this heartbreak, it no longer wanted to feel in pain. It begged you to be liberated from him and his all too tight grip on your heart, and you wanted to fulfill that wish.
So you did, pushing the door open. A footstep backward and you’re once again welcomed by the cold air of the city, a sign that the storm has truly come, brewing right above you. Or maybe it was the tear that slipped down your cheek that warned your of the storm’s presence.
Either way, you couldn’t really tell the difference between your tears and the rain now as the feeling of wetness engulfed your body. It’s your skin first that told you the storm has here. It’s your ears next that told you the thunders would not stop anytime soon. It’s your eyes last that told you the main catastrophe was out of sight as long as you kept your back on the cafe doors.
But you knew the truth, and you knew that the truth hurts, so even if you were blind and couldn’t witness the scene that occurred before you, you weren’t stupid, you would have sensed all the wrongness in Baekhyun’s heart, the way it started beating differently the day she came into this world, your world, his world.
But you didn’t want to the truth, so you ran. Losing your breath as each stride took a toll on your body, wherever your legs took you, you followed, listening to your shoes slap against the concrete, satisfying yourself with the sound of water splashing as you ran and ran. You didn’t know where, but it didn’t matter. As long as you were far from the truth, you would be okay. You would be fine. You would be happy.
Suddenly, you can feel the weight of your tears against the strong rain.
You wished you could be happy.
Baekhyun woke up groaning, stretching his arms out to hit a half-emptied beer bottle. The sound of his watch clicking against the hard surface of glass wakens him further. He didn’t need to rub his eyes from the tiredness it felt or stretch his back to relieve himself from the sourness it felt.
Two weeks, and he’s a wreck; a proud, selfish wreck who couldn’t even drink to temporarily resolve himself this misunderstanding, this chaos he created.
He tried, he really did, but his pride would forever be his fatal flaw, his downfall. Each and every time, Baekhyun had promised to do better, he did worse, most especially when he felt loved. Love to him was something he could manipulate in his hand to bend or break another person. In this case, in this sad unfortunate case, it was you.
And Baekhyun loved playing with you. He loved to see you broken by him, to see you crying for him, to see you under him. He felt like he was in power as he watched over you, a sickening euphoric bliss.
Baekhyun couldn’t believe himself for his actions. How dare he called himself a man when he was barely human.
He wished, oh sometimes he even prayed that he could have realized the several hells he’d create from his selfish actions.
Baekhyun has never regretted this much in his life. He’s never regretted his life until that moment; the moment he lost you.
Anew. Baekhyun felt strangely anew, feeling so free that guilt surged over his body. Two months have done him well. It served as a time out of the chaotic place that has become of his mind. He could even say that he knew what to do know, he has changed. Baekhyun has let go of himself, that self that hurt you. That’s why Byun Baekhyun was finally ready for what he was about to do; let go of his last evil that’s holding him down.
Almost springing out of his bed, he’s filled to the brim with naive hope as he sought after his phone, pressing against the nonexistent buttons on the screen so quickly that he himself is surprised at his speed.
He pressed the send button firmly and suddenly, just like that, he felt a huge weight lift from his shoulders. Baekhyun knew he’s made the right choice. This was the decision he was supposed to make way before this moment, but nonetheless, he has done it. He has finally done it.
These past two months have been hell for him, but he learned as he reflected. Taking in the view of his room, Baekhyun wanted to hug himself as he spotted no beer bottles, no cigarettes, no unknown discarded women’s lingerie. His windows were wide open, silk curtains flowing in the wind as golden sunlight poured in, bathing the room in light. The moment was so perfect… no, almost perfect. He has much yet to do today.
Baekhyun smiled to himself, “I’ll always choose you.”
Baekhyun couldn’t control the fidgeting of his leg as he sat by the booth, a warm cup of coffee in his hands as he waited. He’s finally going to do it. He barely gave a damn to fix his messy hair before running out of his apartment, wearing whatever pieces of clothing he found as soon as he woke up.
It was either impatience or nervosity that started to take over him. He raised his hand from the toasty cup, checking his watch.
11:05 am
Where was she?
Then came the sound of the bells above the glass door ringing and the clicks of high heels against the floor.
“Baekhyun, I’ve missed you so much!”
Baekhyun’s tensions relaxed at last. He was ready. He was finally going to do it. The time has come, and he wasn’t going to stop this time. He tried to stay patient as he waited for Nana to sit down, his right leg still moving nervously.
He took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a second to somehow calm himself, but nothing could ever wash away the feeling of relief that’s surging through his body. It’s about to happen. He was ready. The moment was here.
“I’m done with you.” A swift, brutal, truthful blow to Nana. His leg has stopped moving, his breathing was now calm and normal, his hands were no longer shaking. “I can no longer play with you or act like we have something when there never was. As much as I liked to fool around, I know deeply that you’re playing with me too. Nana, never have we even slept in the same bed or even confessed true feelings of love. I know that every kiss we’ve shared are only lust filled or just a way to fulfill a lonely need we both couldn’t satisfy. Let’s face the truth; you’ve never loved me, and I’ve never loved you.”
Disbelief. That’s what Baekhyun hoped to see in her eyes, but nothing passed through her emotionless eyes. She grew more inhuman by the second as she remained silent, unmoving, her hands locked together in front of her, her back stood straight, and her lips curving into that devilish smile.
Baekhyun was about to talk again, reaffirm his position with this play when he saw it. A bitter glimmer in her eyes as it took to focus on something behind him, her smile slowly weakening before she pulled herself together.
“Don’t be silly, Baekhyun. You couldn’t possibly love that train wreck of a girl,” she said, bringing her hand towards him, caressing his relaxed arm on the table, “a single night with me is more pleasurable than a thousand nights with her. Just give her up already.”
She was soulless. That was all he could think about. Why did he ever decide to play her? To hurt you with her?
“I can’t do this, Nana. Whatever this relationship is, if it’s even one, is over. Goodbye.” Baekhyun wanted to end it immediately. He confessed it already. He’s brought out the truth.
But Nana was persistent.
Baekhyun was about to move out of the booth, leaving Nana behind when she took his arm firmly, stopping him from moving, and in seconds, found herself in front of him with her lips on his. He could feel the way her lips pressed against his, how sweetly and gently she made her movement unlike before. How odd, how strange.
Then he realized what was happening. Baekhyun pushed the woman away, a storm of rage going through him. “Did you even understand what I said?”
There’s the jingling of bells from the front door, and Nana’s eyes followed it. She smirked before smacking her lips and smiling, crossing her arms before her on the table.
“I know perfectly well, Baekhyun.”
Why did her mood suddenly change? What was she looking at? Baekhyun questioned himself, then he realized it before he saw it: your figure leaving the glass door behind you, stopping right before the outrageous storm outside. This was the cafe you frequented in, and Nana noticed you, making sure that everything you would see would hurt you immensely. Fuck.
Baekhyun stood up in a rush, stopping abruptly before he got too far from the booth where Nana sat comfortably. “You’re a bitch, Nana,” he said with deep-seated hatred before going outside to catch you, to talk to you, to explain what you just saw, what just hurt you.
But as he turned around to walk up to the front door, he noticed you were gone, and the storm has reached its peak of monstrous strength, and Byun Baekhyun was left with a lot less hope than he woke up with today.
yifan